The rise of the nice guy

The Nice Guy is a phenomenon that started in the late 20th century.  It was well intentioned -
women desired softer men.  This man would be more caring. He would let women have their due and not be an overbearing macho meathead.  He would be an ally to feminism.  He wouldn't be angry.  He'd be emotional.  He wouldn't be violent.  He'd be a man with a very strong connection to his feminine side. 

Women said they wanted this. And society shifted (particularly in progressive circles) to make this kind of man.  Note: I'm careful to designate that this is generally more a progressive issue than conservative because anecdotally, I see less of this Nice Guy issue in conservative areas.  Some of the changes to raising boys were conscious.  Some were not.  Some changes were the natural result of the rise of the male factory worker and women taking a much larger role for the rearing of men.  Prior to World War II, many boys worked along side their fathers and learned how to be men from their fathers.  In the latter half of the 20th century, many boys learned how to become men from their mothers.

The idea of the Nice Guy is perpetuated in society today.  Some of the big contributors are:

• The "everyone gets a trophy" mentality - winning and competition are de-emphasized and frowned upon
• The over-protection of children's physical well being - they don't get to solve their own problems
• The demonization of the male sex drive - men are pigs, all boys care about is sex
• Movies and media that tell us putting women on a pedestal is proper courting
• The idea that women are more relationship capable than men and men should defer to women's more refined relationship sense
• Women's own words - "I may not like you, but some day - you'll find the right girl."

What ends up happening is that we get a boy or a man with no power.  Someone else (often women) have the power, and the boy/man sees his role to success as being nice.  But what is nice?  For many men, this means people pleasing.  It means being deferential.  It means trying to not make mistakes. 

And the irony of all of it is that women have never been unhappier with the selection of men available.  Women *say* they want softer, more feminine men.  But they don't.  Women want stronger, more masculine men.  And it's not close.  In some cases, nice guys are men - but often they're adult boys.  They are missing male backbone that says "this is who I am, take it or leave it." Instead, the Nice Guy says "I'll be whatever you want me to be."  I view Nice Guys as missing their aggression.  Aggression is what men leverage for their masculine behavior.

Nice Guys have two paths as they grow.  Option 1 - they live as Nice Guys forever.  They never understand that they are living someone else's truth - always trying to please other people and fit into someone else's mold for behavior.  Option 2 - they learn how they've been robbed of their power and they work to become a fully integrated man.  The road is long and hard and involves unlearning a lifetime of bad programming. 

Unfortunately, society at large is still creating more Nice Guys.  While men and masculinity continue to be demonized, society will persist in altering the definition of men to create softer and "nicer" men.