A Man's relationship to his aggression

The messages I got as a child were that my aggression was something I should suppress.  No one ever said to me "suppress your aggression," but the subtle message I was given was I should not become this macho, aggressive male that society told me was unwelcome.  None of the messages were overt, but they were constant.  And it was less of "be like this," but more of "don't be like that."  I, and many others, probably internalized this in some way of being an ally.  In avoiding "macho-ness," I was avoiding conforming to a male image that made women feel uncomfortable.  Women and girls pushed this message also.  Ask most women what kind of guy they want and they'll say nice, funny, treats women well, someone who listens.  Confident makes the list sometimes, and sometimes it does not.  Nice always makes it on the list in my experience. 

What does "nice" mean?  To me, nice meant someone who got along with others.  To get along with others, I should be accommodating to them.  To be accommodating to them, I should be deferential.  I should be cautious of upsetting other people.  These characteristics are generally feminine characteristics.  These are not masculine or alpha male characteristics.  Masculine presence (which can be held by men or women) is the rock in the storm.  It is unswayed by other people's opinions.  It says "this is how I feel, and I feel this way irrespective of how you feel."  It is having the courage of your convictions. 

The question then becomes - why can't a man hold both ways of being?  Can he hold the feminine energy of being nice/deferential *and* the masculine energy of having the courage of one's convictions?  For most men, the answer is no.

A man's aggression is an essential part of who he is.  Taking away his aggression is like de-clawing a cat.  It removes his weapons.  An essential part of being a man is setting boundaries (physical and emotional) - drawing a line in the sand.  That line in the sand is meaningless unless it's enforced.  The enforcement comes from perceived repercussions from crossing that line.  If a man is unwilling or unable to enforce his boundaries, he has no boundaries.  A man's ability to be that rock in the storm, to be an independent masculine force with the courage of his convictions depends on his ability to harness his aggression and power to say, in effect, "this is where I start - and this is where you end."  The power of that independence is born from the boundaries that are set by a man's aggression. 

Aggression can be trained out of a man.  And there are certain types of aggression that *are* unwelcome - violence, misogyny, suppression of those considered weak.  However, well harnessed aggression in a man is a part of our legacy and is crucial to the power that we bring.